Today my lovely wife was talking to a couple of young men on Twitter. She had just met these guys, and she apparently was having a pleasant enough conversation with them until one of them asked for a picture of her “big titties.” Not surprisingly, my wife was offended by his request and let him have it with both barrels. He responded by calling her a slut (because “slut” apparently means someone who doesn’t take her clothes off at the merest suggestion now). She wasn’t happy about it, but she just shrugged it off and went about her day just as she should have. After all, the Internet is full of asshats who like to take shots at people just because they can.
Still, the whole incident had me thinking about how guys talk to women, especially online. Specifically, it got me thinking about how guys really don’t know how to talk to women. Practically every woman I know has at least one story of some moron sending her messages on Facebook, Myspace, Twitter, MMORPGs like World of Warcraft or any other format that allows people to communicate with each other over the Web with such thoughtful romantic messages like “ur hawt,” “show ur titties” or “lets fuckk.” It’s not always trolling, either. Some of these guys really do seem to think that sending out these messages will get them laid. After all, they’re paying these women compliments, right? They should be flattered that someone is taking an interest in them.
I know part of it is just the anonymity of the Internet; it is and always has been a breeding ground for the most obnoxious trolls imaginable. I think there’s more to it than that, though. I think part of it has to do with this sense of entitlement that a lot of men in our society have when it comes to women. We’re basically taught that not only can a man have a beautiful woman if he wants one, but that he deserves to have one. All he has to do is show interest in a woman, and she’s expected to just go along with whatever he wants. Any woman who says otherwise is wrong and deserves the label of “bitch,” “slut” or whatever nasty name a guy can come up with.
Of course, this doesn’t just happen online, either. I’ve seen plenty of instances of guys saying whatever they want to women and acting genuinely surprised when they get shot down. It just seems to get worse on the Internet where people have enough anonymity to be able to say things that they wouldn’t dare say to someone’s face. Still, I can’t help thinking that we’ll soon have an entire generation of men who think the proper way to talk to a woman is to basically proposition her and assume she must be a frigid bitch if she isn’t into it.
It should go without saying that this is not the right way to talk to a woman, and yet it looks like someone has to say it. I’ve seen other unfortunate aspects of what I call Internet culture seep into other aspects of our lives. I’ve heard people actually say things like “LOL” or “OMG” out loud (they sound like idiots, by the way), so I have to wonder if going up to a girl and saying “ur hawt show me ur titties” is going to be an actual pickup line for a certain brand of socially awkward male who grew up on message boards and MMORPGs. I can see them getting shocked that it doesn’t work, and I’m not sure whether to laugh or weep for the future.
Hey guys, here’s a radical thought: if you like a girl, try talking to her like a human being instead of something that’s only there to please you. Trust me. That’s how most healthy relationships start, not with some lame attempt to get a girl to show her “big titties” over the Internet.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
The "Black Friend" Defense
When I looked at the last post that I made on this blog, I saw that it was dated November 15, 2011. That's too long ago. It's been way too long since I posted anything here, and I think it's time I did something about that. I had great plans for this blog, even if it had a slightly nonsensical name and covered a broad spectrum of topics (basically whatever was on my mind when I wanted to post something). This was going to be my personal corner of the Internet, a place where I could make my voice heard. I have a Livejournal account as well, but I wanted the writing here to be a little more polished and professional. And yet, I haven't written anything here in over six months. That's going to change. I have things I want to say, and I'm going to make sure I say them a little more often.
Another trend I've noticed here is that even though this was supposed to cover a broad range of topics, I've spent more time on progressive social issues than anything else. I've occasionally mixed it up by writing about movies and other things that interest me, but it'ts getting to the point where I might as well make this a blog about social justice. So far, I've written about the SlutWalk movement, about being a heterosexual male feminist, and about how I can be an ally of the GLBT community without sacrificing my Christian beliefs. Today, I'm going to continue (or revive, considering how often I post here) the trend of talking about social issues by tackling racism, specifically something that I like to call the "black friend" defense.
I've lived in the Twin Cities metro area of Minnesota for my entire life, and I consider myself lucky to live in a place that is so socially liberal and ethnically diverse. I rarely see examples of overt racism; I don't see too many examples of minorities being harassed or assaulted, although I'm not naive enough to assume that it never happens. That's not to say that I don't see examples of racism. On the contrary, I see it all the time. What I do see is a kind of passive-aggressive racism. I see white people make assumptions about minorities, and I hear a lot of backhanded comments about "those people." By "those people," I mean blacks, Asians, Latinos, GLBT people and any other minorities who happen to be interacting with us white heterosexual Americans. It's okay for these white people to make assumptions and prejudiced comments about minorities though, because some of their friends are black. That's proof that they're not racist, right?
That, ladies and gentlemen, is what I mean by the "black friend" defense. I've talked to plenty of people who think they can get away with making vaguely racist comments and assumptions because they have friends who aren't white, which somehow proves that they are enlightened, socially progressive people. Every time someone calls them out on a comment they make out of prejudice and ignorance, they immediately hide behind their token black/Asian/Latino/Arab/gay "friends," and suddenly they feel they can do anything short of wearing a white hood and burning a cross and still be exonerated for their tolerance of other peoples.
The "black friend" defense annoys me to no end. To me, it seems to be saying that the good and benevolent white person is doing a good deed by socializing with lowly minority groups even though he or she doesn't have to. If you're a white person who has used your alleged friendship with a minority to present yourself as more progressive and enlightened than everyone else, guess what? You're still racist. In fact, you're almost worse than someone who is up front about his or her racism. At least the folks who regularly use the N-word and won't go into an ethnically-diverse neighborhood because it's too "dangerous" are honest about the way they think and feel.
Another reason why the "black friend" defense is so offensive is that it not only allows people to forgive their own racist ideology, but it sometimes allows privileged white people to believe that they know more about racism than they actually do. This was actually a topic of a conversation that I had about a week ago that started with an article about young people in this country being sent to prison for life. Many of these young people were children under the age of 18, and they seemed to be mostly black boys. Naturally, people saw this and started crying racism, as well they should. Perhaps at least some of these children did things that warranted a life sentence, but there can be no denying that it was a clear example of institutionalized racism. The topic of the conversation quickly switched to how most privileged white people in this country couldn't understand how racism really feels. That got me thinking about the many white people I've spoken to who either act like they are authorities on racism or don't think it's much of a problem in our society. Of course, they feel like they're experts on the subject because they have friends who are minorities. Yes, it's entirely possible for a privileged white person to witness racism, and I would hope that this person would be outraged, but that person is still on the outside looking in. He or she won't know how it feels to be discriminated against when they see bigotry in progress; all one can hope for is that they recognize it and be appropriately outraged.
As a 31 year-old white male in a predominantly white country, I don't know how it feels to be the victim of racism. The closest thing to victimization that I've experienced is that I've had minorities treat me badly because they expect me to be racist. That does hurt, and it is wrong, but I couldn't tell you how it feels to have an institution expect me to fail or become a criminal because of the color of my skin, and it would be wrong for me to say otherwise just because I have friends who aren't white. That is why I tend to be careful when I pick a racially-charged battle. I will gladly stand against any injustice and bigotry that I witness, but I'm not going to pretend that I know exactly how it feels. Having friends who aren't white doesn't make me an expert on racism any more than it exonerates me if I were to make a racist comment.
If you're a white person with friends who are black, Asian, Latino, Middle-Eastern, gay or whatever, that's great. I'm happy for you. Just don't act like it makes you better than everyone else or makes you an expert on the prejudices that they experience.
Another trend I've noticed here is that even though this was supposed to cover a broad range of topics, I've spent more time on progressive social issues than anything else. I've occasionally mixed it up by writing about movies and other things that interest me, but it'ts getting to the point where I might as well make this a blog about social justice. So far, I've written about the SlutWalk movement, about being a heterosexual male feminist, and about how I can be an ally of the GLBT community without sacrificing my Christian beliefs. Today, I'm going to continue (or revive, considering how often I post here) the trend of talking about social issues by tackling racism, specifically something that I like to call the "black friend" defense.
I've lived in the Twin Cities metro area of Minnesota for my entire life, and I consider myself lucky to live in a place that is so socially liberal and ethnically diverse. I rarely see examples of overt racism; I don't see too many examples of minorities being harassed or assaulted, although I'm not naive enough to assume that it never happens. That's not to say that I don't see examples of racism. On the contrary, I see it all the time. What I do see is a kind of passive-aggressive racism. I see white people make assumptions about minorities, and I hear a lot of backhanded comments about "those people." By "those people," I mean blacks, Asians, Latinos, GLBT people and any other minorities who happen to be interacting with us white heterosexual Americans. It's okay for these white people to make assumptions and prejudiced comments about minorities though, because some of their friends are black. That's proof that they're not racist, right?
That, ladies and gentlemen, is what I mean by the "black friend" defense. I've talked to plenty of people who think they can get away with making vaguely racist comments and assumptions because they have friends who aren't white, which somehow proves that they are enlightened, socially progressive people. Every time someone calls them out on a comment they make out of prejudice and ignorance, they immediately hide behind their token black/Asian/Latino/Arab/gay "friends," and suddenly they feel they can do anything short of wearing a white hood and burning a cross and still be exonerated for their tolerance of other peoples.
The "black friend" defense annoys me to no end. To me, it seems to be saying that the good and benevolent white person is doing a good deed by socializing with lowly minority groups even though he or she doesn't have to. If you're a white person who has used your alleged friendship with a minority to present yourself as more progressive and enlightened than everyone else, guess what? You're still racist. In fact, you're almost worse than someone who is up front about his or her racism. At least the folks who regularly use the N-word and won't go into an ethnically-diverse neighborhood because it's too "dangerous" are honest about the way they think and feel.
Another reason why the "black friend" defense is so offensive is that it not only allows people to forgive their own racist ideology, but it sometimes allows privileged white people to believe that they know more about racism than they actually do. This was actually a topic of a conversation that I had about a week ago that started with an article about young people in this country being sent to prison for life. Many of these young people were children under the age of 18, and they seemed to be mostly black boys. Naturally, people saw this and started crying racism, as well they should. Perhaps at least some of these children did things that warranted a life sentence, but there can be no denying that it was a clear example of institutionalized racism. The topic of the conversation quickly switched to how most privileged white people in this country couldn't understand how racism really feels. That got me thinking about the many white people I've spoken to who either act like they are authorities on racism or don't think it's much of a problem in our society. Of course, they feel like they're experts on the subject because they have friends who are minorities. Yes, it's entirely possible for a privileged white person to witness racism, and I would hope that this person would be outraged, but that person is still on the outside looking in. He or she won't know how it feels to be discriminated against when they see bigotry in progress; all one can hope for is that they recognize it and be appropriately outraged.
As a 31 year-old white male in a predominantly white country, I don't know how it feels to be the victim of racism. The closest thing to victimization that I've experienced is that I've had minorities treat me badly because they expect me to be racist. That does hurt, and it is wrong, but I couldn't tell you how it feels to have an institution expect me to fail or become a criminal because of the color of my skin, and it would be wrong for me to say otherwise just because I have friends who aren't white. That is why I tend to be careful when I pick a racially-charged battle. I will gladly stand against any injustice and bigotry that I witness, but I'm not going to pretend that I know exactly how it feels. Having friends who aren't white doesn't make me an expert on racism any more than it exonerates me if I were to make a racist comment.
If you're a white person with friends who are black, Asian, Latino, Middle-Eastern, gay or whatever, that's great. I'm happy for you. Just don't act like it makes you better than everyone else or makes you an expert on the prejudices that they experience.
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